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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
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A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
"Why sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially well for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice.
"No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
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Q. What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you?
A. Run...she has a grenade in her mouth.
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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. The truck driver motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of His truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres. Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."
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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to of all people a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out and again went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'"
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A truck was traveling through town. When the driver stopped at a red light, A blonde jumped out of her car, ran up to the driver of the truck, and said, "Mr. you're losing part of your load". She jumps back into her car and follows the truck to the next light. She jumps out of car and runs up to the driver's window, "Mr. you're losing part of your load." The same thing happens for 7 stops, finally the 8th stop, the blonde came running up to the truck driver's window, before she could say anything, the driver said, "MA'AM, THIS IS WINTER IN MAINE, I'M DRIVING A SALT TRUCK......."
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A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
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Blonde Overdue
A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, "Hi! I'm here to see the doctor!"
In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, "Miss, this is a library."
So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."
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A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why" asks the Blond "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!", the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, the Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.... Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!
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Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
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Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be a cop, eh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He only has one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" The blonde immediately shot back, "Yep! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
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Norman and his blonde wife life in Fargo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through". Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow- plow can get through.". So, Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 -12 inches of snow today, you must park..." then the electricity goes out. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do..."
Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
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A blonde lady calls her boyfriend and tells him in an excited voice, he must come over immediatly and give her a hand with this killer jigsaw puzzle she jut got. "It's awesome" she tells him, "Hurry on over, I can't wait to get started!"
"What is it supposed to be?" he asks.
"Well the picture on the box is a tiger." she replies. "It is very complicated and I cant find any starting pieces, hurry up!"
He agrees to come over and heads to her house.
When he arrives she meets him at the door very excited. Taking him by the hand she leads him into the kitchen where the pieces are spread out over the table. Standing in front of the table squeezing his hand she says in a very excited tone, "Isn't this going to be great?"
Looking at the table, the boyfriend sighs, gives her hand a squeeze and says "Babe, After we drink the coffee, we will put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
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At work there were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde, who worked together at the office. Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too. Near the end of the day, the boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opened the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left. The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "Yesterday I nearly got caught!"
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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As a Minnesota trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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Different degrees of blondeness
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife
(undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How
should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said,
"Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if
the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk
and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
"Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror
and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a
gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she
finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She
opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with
grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head The boyfriend yells, "No,
honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says,
"Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital
of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it
mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was
about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and
burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and The police dispatcher
broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the
first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a
leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and
his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for
help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
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A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.
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After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?" The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
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