They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought! All at the same time, each one in his separate room, thought, this is going to be easy. Each finished the lengthy problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
For 95 points: Which tire?
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats). One student wrote the following answer:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that: "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.
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An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."
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Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the other at the
opposite end. The bartender asks the first man what he wants.
I'll have a Frizzle...that's a beer with a splash of tonic, a splash of orange
juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."
Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine a Frizzle. It's a
beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but
no lime."
The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man what he
does for a living.
"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."
Then he asks the other man what he does.
"Theoretical mathematician at the college."
"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a drink that I've
never heard of. You have the identical profession and you both walk into my
bar on the same day at the same time. What are the odds on something like that
happening?"
Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion, nine hundred, and
eighty-seven billion to one."
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A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father.
"Dad, " he says, "You won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how
to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000, " the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "But you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ! ? " says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? "
"Just send $2, 500, I'll get him in the class." . . . And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the
dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad, " the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading
the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak
Street?'"
The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
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Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
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The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
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