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"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts. The swimming pool is that way, and you'll find four golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area and an angel will be glad to mix your favorite cocktail."
"Jeez Gertrude," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't forced me to stop smoking, and made us eat all that oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat food!"
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Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
A few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving?"
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A grandson ran up to his grandfather and asked him he could talk like a frog.
"Of course not," said the grandfather.
A few minutes later, his granddaughter ran up and asked him the same thing.
"No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?"
The granddaughter looked up at him and said "Dad said that when you croak, we can go to Disneyland."
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A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day.
While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed.
The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems going around.
The teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
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A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
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Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
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Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
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"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
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This old guy goes into the doctors office for his checkup..."Any Questions or problems"?, asks the doc..."well", says the ol guy, "I do have one problem..the first time I have sex with my wife I get all hot and sweat a great deal and then the second time I have sex with her I get all cold and shivers." The Doctor tells him he will look into it for him and get back to him later. The ol guy's wife is next to see the doctor and while she is sitting on the exam table the doctor asks...I"I have a question you may help me with, it seems your husband has told me that when he makes love with you the first time he gets all hot and then on the second time he gets all cold and shivers, would you know anything about this"? "Ahhh that ol' fool", replies the wife, " The first time we make love is in July and the second time is in December"!!!
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At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne. A lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed, and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes; the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for "action." They "unite as one." All goes well; Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again, he is ready for "action." Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, Lou Anne consents to more "conjugal bliss." When the love-birds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but Morris is back again, rapping on the door, as fresh as a 25-year old. ready for more passion. Once again, they enjoy one another. But as Morris prepares to leave again, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
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Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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80-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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A 75 year-old man goes to his doctor for a check-up.
Doctor: "You're doing fairly well for your age."
Patient: "You think I'll live to be 80?"
Doctor: "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
Patient: "No, I've never done either."
Doctor: "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
Patient: "No, red meat is unhealthy!"
Doctor: "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, such as playing golf?"
Patient: "No, I don't."
Doctor: "Do you gamble, drive fast cars or fool around with sexy women?"
Patient: "No, never!"
Doctor: "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"
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A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something..! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
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An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighbourhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, "We have got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money! that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "She is lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he is getting senile." But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
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73 year old guy driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!" Herman says, "I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!"
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These three very old looking men at the old folks home were talking, one says; "When I was young my father told me that if I wanted to live a long time, not to drink, smoke, or fool around with women. That is what I have done. I am 83 and still feel young". The second one more slowly said that he too had been told the same thing by his father and he also had heeded his father's warning. "And I am 87 and still feel young". The third one said: "It was just the opposite with me, my father told me if I wanted to have fun in life, to drink, smoke, and fool around with women. That is what I have always done, and I still feel young." How old are you asked the other two? "I'm getting on to 22" was the reply.
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A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I pooped in my pants. The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"
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An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed
at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good
shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the
mountains."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How
old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me
this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How
about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"The doctor said, "You mean
you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went
turkey hunting with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got
married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a118-year-old guy want
to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
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"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"
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An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"
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Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, " I feel just like a new born babe." Rather amazed his coworker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???" "Yup", grins Slim, "No teeth, no hair, and I think I just wet my pants."
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful."
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. Finally the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well! , strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five times. At the sixth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them............."
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