"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "But I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
-----
An agricultural salesman is visiting a farm with a view to flogging a new type of combine harvester. "No, sorry son," says the farmer, "my pig takes care of all the harvesting - I have no need for your fancy gizmo." "Could save you money in the long-term" tries the salesman. "No, your combine would never match my pig's productivity - you should see him go - swishing away with that scythe." The salesman is intrigued about this pig and asks to see the creature. The farmer leads the salesman to an enclosure. Standing within - tall and proud - is the most magnificent pig the salesman has ever seen. But the pig has got a wooden leg. "That sure is an impressive pig, sir, but why's he got a wooden leg?" asks the salesman. "This pig is more than 'impressive' mister - I'm sure he's unique! Do you know he can also drive the tractor!?" "Really? But why's he got a wooden leg?" "He drives our children to school and back!! - even helps them with their homework!!" "I'm impressed" admits the salesman, "but why the wooden leg?" "THIS PIG is also a leading authority on organic farming; thanks to him we've managed to branch out, and now our revenue is higher than that of any other farm in this county!! "Yeah, yeah!! You've got one hell of a pig - I can see that by just looking at him - but why does it have a wooden leg!?" Insists the salesman. "Did I mention the publishing deals? This pig's just written a best seller - we're going to be even richer now!!" "Amazing, truly amazing - but why the WOODEN LEG!!!!!!!!!!" The farmer looks admiringly at his pig and then turns to the salesman: Son, with a pig like this - you just DON'T eat him all at once."
-----
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
-----
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
-----
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. A gay guy applied for the job and was hired. He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
"Now," she said, "Take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"
-----
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
-----
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over." "That's not so bad, what's the big deal?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over." "Again?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Wow, you must have been pretty upset! but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed." The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in."
-----
An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area, For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearence.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing. As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."
-----
One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door.
"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.
"Sure is. He's over t'cow barn."
"Well, I have some important items to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any
difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't...He's the one with the beard and mustache."
-----
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asks the farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yells back.
-----
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
-----
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
-----
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
-----
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
-----
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
-----
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
-----
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
-----
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
-----
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
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Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
-----
Why did the bull rush?
Because it saw the cow slip!
What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
A battery hen!
What do you call an arctic cow?
An eskimoo!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick-layer!
How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
Build a sty-scraper!
Why does a rooster watch TV?
For hentertainment!
What do you get from a drunk chicken?
Scotch eggs!
What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bell?
A bird that has to wring its own neck!
-----
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
-----
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes!
What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.
Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.
Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef.
-----
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
-----
A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."
-----
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
-----
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."
-----
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
-----
A farmer decides that his 3 sows should be bred, and contacts his buddy down the road, who owns 3 male pigs. They agree on a stud fee, and the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and brings them down the road to the males. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks the man how he can tell if it 'took' or not. The breeder replies that if, the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't ... Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling in the mud. About the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous, AND expensive. You check today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" "Nope." says the wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
-----
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 miles an hour when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running along beside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour, the chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he knew about the chicken. As a matter of fact, the farmer said that his son was a geneticist. And he had developed this breed of chicken because the three of them each like a drumstick when they have chicken, and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
The salesman said, "That's the most fantastic story I have ever heard. How do they taste?" The farmer said, "I don't know. We can't catch 'em."
-----
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.
-----
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a cow? Cockadoodlemoo!
-----
What do you call the spots on black and white cows? Holstains.
-----
Where do cows like to ride on trains? In the cow-boose.
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TOP 10 REASONS FARM TRUCKS AREN'T STOLEN:
#10 They have about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.
#9 Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
#8 It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
#7 It takes too long to start, and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
#6 The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
#5 They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
#4 The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
#3 Top speed is approximately 45 mph.
#2 Who wants to steal a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u- joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield?
#1 It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
-----
What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow? Milk of Amnesia.
-----
Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.
-----
How does a farmer count a herd of cows? With a cowculator.
-----
How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.
-----
Why can't you tell secrets in the cornfield? The corn has ears.
-----
What do you get when you feed cows money? Rich milk!
-----
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
-----
A young bachelor farmer from the Eastern Shore of Maryland had developed a reputation for being a perfectionist. When planting corn, the rows had to be exactly 16 and a half inches apart . . . . not 16 and a quarter, not 16 and three quarters . . . . but exactly 16 and a half inches. When he built a new wooden fence for his horses, the top rail of the fence had to be exactly 48 inches from ground level at all points. Neighbors would drive by and see him out in the field several times a week measuring the top rail of the fence with a laser device and they would just shake their heads. Make no mistake about it, this bachelor farmer was a perfectionist.
When he turned 23 years old, he decided there were no suitable young ladies for him anywhere on the Eastern Shore. He dated dozens of young women from Pocomoke City to Dover and never seemed to find that one perfect woman. There was always something that disqualified a girl from being his perfect mate.
So he decided to travel out to the corn belt and see if he could find the ideal farm girl, the one that was perfect in every way. He drove the back roads of Iowa, Illinois and Indiana where he scouted for the perfect woman. While traveling through southern Nebraska one afternoon, he came upon a quaint, well-kept little farmstead where three young ladies were outside enjoying the brilliant, sunny day. He stopped and discovered the three young ladies were all sisters . . . and all were single. They were beautiful, intelligent, feminine in some respects and tom-boyish in other respects. They were knowledgeable about life on the farm and seemed to be fine, outstanding young ladies. So he decided to ask the girl's father if he could date them . . . one at a time of course. He told the father he was looking for his perfect bride and the father responded that all three girls were indeed available.
So he took the first sister out and had the time of his life. She was bright, witty, and fun to be with. But when he returned the girl home, he told the girl's father that, although she was very close to perfection, she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . pigeon-toed.
He then took the second sister out on a date and the two had a great time, talking into the wee hours of the morning and hitting it off wonderfully. But when he returned this sister home, he told the girl's father that, she also was very close to perfection, but she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . cross-eyed.
So finally he took the third sister out and knew immediately that he had found the perfect woman. In every way, she was the bride of his dreams.
So they got married a few weeks later and moved back to the Eastern Shore of Maryland where they established their home. Life was good. The corn harvest was huge that fall and prices were better than anyone had seen for several years. Everything seemed to be going perfect, especially when the couple found out they were expecting their first child. The pregnancy went well, and the following summer, the couple gave birth to a healthy baby. But when the new father looked at his child for the first time, he determined this was the ugliest baby he had ever seen. "How could this happen? I went to all that trouble to find the perfect wife and now she gives me this baby that has to be the ugliest child on the planet." The young man was clearly upset.
He immediately got into his truck and drove all the way to the Nebraska farmhouse where he confronted the girl's father and demanded an explanation.
The father responded "Well, you may not have noticed it . . . it was ever so slight . . . . but when you married her, she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . pregnant."
-----
A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.
The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.
The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.
-----
"Johnnie."
"Yes, teacher."
"If there are twenty sheep in a field, and one gets out through a hole in the fence, how many sheep are left in the field?"
"None, teacher."
"Johnnie, there are still nineteen sheep left in the field. Obviously you don't know arithmetic."
"Sorry, teacher, but I do know arithmetic. Obviously you don't know sheep."
-----
Two farmers were having a great day at the local farmers' market. Farm trucks were loaded down with fresh, local produce and customers were in a buying mood.
But the mood changed when one farmer turned to his neighboring vendor with a disgusted look on his face. He said "I just don't know what we are going to do about these city slickers. Especially the ones that come from the big city."
"What's wrong with city slickers?" asked the other farmer. "They are our best customers. Heck, that last fellow bought two watermelons from you didn't he?"
"Yeah I guess you are right," said the farmer. "But it just galls me every time I sell a watermelon to a city slicker. Especially when they ask me how to peel it."
-----
A few years ago, some folks from the Humane Society and the U.S. Forest Service were at a farm meeting presenting an alternative to West Virginia sheep producers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after several years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the animal rights folks had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the coyotes to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.
All of the shepherds at the meeting thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."
-----
A man was walking along a road in the quaint countryside of Franklin County, Pennsylvania and came across a farmer and a huge flock of sheep. He told the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number of sheep in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.
"973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. He says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picked one up and began to walk away.
"Wait," cried the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man thought for a moment a said "sure."
"You are an economist for the federal government," said the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responded the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," said the shepherd, "Put down my dog and I will tell you."
-----
Two farmers meet up in a bar during a agricultural convention. One from PA the other from TX...
PA: Back home I got a 40 acre spread!
TX: Aw, heck you ain't got nothin' - why my spread in Texas is so big that I get in my pickup in the morning and I don't get to the other side of my ranch until the sun goes down!
PA: Yeah, I used to have a pickup truck like that....
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If a cow laughed really hard.... would milk come out of her nose?
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A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all of my neighbor's cows."
"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," said the farmer. "But they sort of taste like chocolate."
-----
On summer vacation, Josie and her son, James, went to visit Josie's Uncle Jon who owned a nice farm. While there, Uncle Jon was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old Great Nephew, James, standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.
Uncle Jon thought to himself: "Great, now I'm gonna have to explain the 'birds and bees' to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I'll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I'll just answer them as best I can."
After Uncle Jon finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked over to James and asked him: "Do you have any questions about what you seen here tonight?"
"Just one," the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. "How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"
-----
A recently retired Nebraska farmer went to Dallas for the first vacation he had taken in his entire working life. He checked into a downtown hotel, but when he got to his room he immediately called the front desk. The farmer said, "This here bed kin sleep the whole Cornhuskers football team! I only wanted a regular-sized bed."
The clerk responded, "That is a regular size bed, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"
The farmer went to the hotel's bar and ordered a draught beer. When he was served, he said to the bartender, "This is as big as a milkin' pitcher. I only asked for a glass of beer!" The bartender answered, "That is a glass of beer, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"
When the waiter in the hotel's dining room brought out the steak the farmer ordered for dinner, the farmer exclaimed, "That steak's as big as my thigh, the baked potato's bigger 'n a watermelon, and this corn-on-a-cob's as big as a baseball bat! Where'd this come from?" The waiter replied, "It's all local, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"
When the waiter asked the farmer if he wanted to see the dessert menu, the farmer said he might be able to squeeze something in, but after consuming all that food and drink he needed to use the restroom first. The waiter directed him to go down the hall to the first door on the right.
By this time, the farmer was quite inebriated and mistakenly went through the first door on the left. He walked across the tiled floor and fell into the swimming pool. When the farmer came sputtering to the surface, he yelled out, "For gaud's sakes, please don't flush!"
-----
A farmer brings home a new young rooster to replace the older rooster on the farm. He takes the new cock outback and turns him loose. The new rooster goes up to the older rooster and tells him, "You old man, are going to be supper because I'm here to take your place as the cock of the roost."
The old rooster said, "Hey young fella, you just can't come in here and take over like that not without a race." "A race?" asked the new rooster. "What kind of race?"
The old rooster told him, "A foot race." And at this, the new rooster laughed. He said, "Old man, I can beat you any day of the week even if I give you a head start. You're on."
The old rooster explained they would race around the hen house twice, but that he would get a head start. The new rooster agreed. The old rooster counted to three, and took off screaming and squawking the whole way. As he began around the first corner, the new rooster took off running as fast as he could, trying to catch up to the old rooster.
At that same time the farmer was watching from the back door. Seeing what was going on, he ran and grabbed his gun, ran out the back door, and shot the new rooster just before the new rooster caught the old one. The farmer went back in the house, and his wife asked what was going on.
The farmer replied, "I'm not sure, but that's the second gay rooster I bought this week."
-----
Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of pills and told him to take no more than one a day.
Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.
"Those pills are too strong for me." the farmer thought, and he poured the rest into his well.
Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told him how he had disposed of the medication.
"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"
"No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."
-----
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He asks, "What on earth is that all about?"
The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."
"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"
The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."
-----
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one-hundred dollars for his best bull."
Neighbor: "That's not I want."
Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."
Neighbor: "That's not I want."
Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him."
Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."
Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what my father charges for Elmer."
-----
Interviewer: "Congratulations on winning the lottery."
Farmer: "Thank you."
Interviewer: "Do you have any special plans for spending all of that money?"
Farmer: "Nope. Not really. I'm just gonna keep farming until the lottery money is all gone."
-----
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams."
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold! It's like a completely different place - the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together."
"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone."
-----
A farmer hitched up his team of horses to a big wagon and went out to collect a load of horse manure. On his way to the field where he was going to strew the manure, he had to go by an insane asylum.
One of the inmates was standing near the fence and he called to the farmer, "Hey, what are you going to do with all that manure?" The farmer replied that he was going to put it on his strawberries.
The inmate was aghast and said to the farmer, "You must be crazy. We put cream and sugar on ours."
-----
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know."
-----
A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He gets out and tries to find something close by -- and comes upon a farm. Not believing his luck, he knocks on the door, and a farmer answers. "Sir," says the salesman. "Could you help me? My car's broken down, and I need a place to stay for the night."
"Sure," says the farmer. "But I only have one bed, and my very, very ugly daughter sleeps there."
"Oh, crap," says the salesman. "I'm in the wrong joke."
-----
Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they'd break.
-----
Q: Where did the sheep get its haircut?
A: The ba-ba shop
-----
Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor?
A: It drove down the lane and turned into a field.
-----
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed: "Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"
"Oh that," his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"
-----
Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing!
-----
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge", whispered Mildred.
"What", said Marge.
"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.
"What makes you think that", asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn!"
-----
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"
-----
A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull.
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"
-----
On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting one of his pigs up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another. The farmer repeated this with a second, then a third pig. "Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time? "Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"
-----
The School of Agriculture's Dean of Admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in dairy farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in dairy farming?" echoed the impressed dean. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
-----
An old farmer was walking down the path to the pond when he spotted a bullfrog. He reached down and grabbed the frog and started to put him in his pocket when the bullfrog said,"Kiss me on the lips and I will turn into the most beautiful woman in the world." Again the old farmer started to put the frog in his pocket. The frog asked,"Didn't you hear what I said ?" The farmer looked at the frog and said," At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
-----
Two fellows came upon a mine shaft out in the hills. "How deep do you think it is?" asked one. "Gosh, I don't know," answered his pal. "Let's drop a stone in and listen for it to hit bottom." They did so and waited, but there was no sound. They found a larger rock and threw it in. Still nothing. A short distance away they spotted an old railroad tie. Each lifted an end, and with great difficulty they dropped it in. Still no sound! As they waited, a goat ran right between them and jumped into the hole. They were standing there scratching their heads when a farmer came along and asked, "Have you seen a goat?" "Well, yes, as a matter of fact," replied the first guy. "We just had a goat run past us and jump into that hole!" "Oh, it couldn't have been my goat," said the farmer. "Mine was tied to a railroad tie."
-----
What do you get if you sit under a cow? A pat on the head!
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What do you call a pig that took a plane? Swine flu!
-----
What kind of doctor treats ducks? A quack!
-----
What did the well mannered sheep say to his friend at the field gate? After ewe!
-----
Why did the ram fall over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn!
-----
What do cows like to dance to? Any kind of moosic you like!
-----
What do you get if you cross a steer with a tadpole? A bullfrog!
-----
What drug was the duck on?
Qwack!
-----
What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs? A pigtail!
-----
Where do cows go on a Saturday night? To the moo-vies!
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Why did the baby turkey bolt down his food? Because he was a little gobbler!
-----
Why did the starstruck chicken cross the road? To see Gregory Peck!
-----
What kind of tie does a pig wear? Pig's tie!
-----
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road? Because she was afraid someone would caesar!
-----
What do you call a pig thief? A hamburglar!
-----
"So, how did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, I was a strapping young fellow, and one spring night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, 'No, everything is fine.'
"'Are you sure?' she asked.
"'I'm sure,' I said.
"'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know.
"'I reckon not,' I replied."
"Excuse me," said the doctor. "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof."
-----
Where does a woodsman keep his pigs? In a Hog cabin!
-----
Once there was this "great" cattle fitter that died and went to Heaven. When he got to Heaven he noticed how beautiful and perfect everything was. Heaven had beautiful pastures and the most perfect cattle grazing in them. Well, he couldn't just sit around and do nothing with the cattle, so he went to God to ask him something. He said "God do you mind if I fit on the cattle a little?" God said "No I don't mind. You're in Heaven-you can do anything you wish.
"The fitter said thank you and started to walk away,and then decided to ask God another question. "God, after I get them fit, do you think we could have a Jackpot Show here in Heaven?" God said "Oh,no up here everything is perfect and everyone wins!" The fitter starts to walk away again and thinks of another question. "God, do you think we could have a jackpot show and ask the devil to bring his cattle up?" God thought this over and said, "I don't see why not. I will go and see if he'd like to come."
So God went down to hell to talk to the devil. "Devil", he said, "we would like to have a jackpot show-will you come?" The devil says, "I don't see why not. Will you take a look at my herd and tell me how they will fare?" So they go out to pasture to take a look. Of course, the pastures down in hell have hardly any grass and the cattle are skinny and scrawny with no hair and really should have been put out of their misery a long time ago. Well, upon seeing this, God turned to the devil and said, "I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but up in heaven we have the number one fitter and perfect cattle, so you probably won't be able to compete. Maybe the jackpot show isn't such a good idea. The devil listened to God and then answered, " I know your cattle and fitters are the best, but I think we will compete. I know the cattle aren't pretty to look at, but down here in hell WE HAVE ALL OF THE JUDGES!!!!!! "
-----
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving for another ranch to check on the possibility of buying a bull, the brunette tells her sister, When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, It's just 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word comfortable. The operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable? The brunette explains, My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it real slow. ( com-for-da-bull )
-----
Why were the baby strawberries crying?
Their ma and pa were in a jam.
-----
Why can't cows drive boats? Because they can't steer their udder.
-----
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
-----
Q: What do you call a cow with only its two right legs?
A: Lean beef.
-----
The old potato farmer was writing a letter to his son Bubba, who was wrongfully convicted of manslaughter and serving time in the state pen.
The old farmer wrote:
"Dear Bubba, we all sure miss you here on potato farm, it's just about Springtime and soon it will be time to plant the seed potatoes. I'm getting up in years now, and I have no one to help me turn the soil. I know if you were here, you would help. Hope everything is going okay for you.
Love,
Dad"
Bubba received the letter and wrote back:
"Dear Dad,
Everything is going ok, so far. I miss all of you too and wish there was something I could do to help, but PLEASE whatever you do DO NOT turn the soil in the potato field! That's where I buried the bodies!!!
Love,
Bubba"
A few days later the CSI team arrived on the farm and dug up the entire field. They were looking for the bodies that had never been recovered. They didn't turn up a single bone or body part.
A few days later, a letter arrived from Bubba:
"Dear Dad,
I really wanted to help you turn the soil, but under the circumstances, this was the best I could do. Go ahead and plant your seed potatoes now.
Love,
Bubba"
-----
What type of computer do baby calves always ask for? mmmmmaaaaaaaaac (mac)
-----
A young man from Ireland called Seamus finds himself in dire trouble.
His farm has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the Church and begins to pray "God, please help me, I've lost my Farm and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Seamus goes back to the Church. "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my Farm, my house and I'm going to lose my tractor as well."
Lotto night comes and Seamus still has no luck!!
Back to the Church. "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my Farm, my house, my tractor and my wife and 17 children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Seamus is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "Seamus, meet me half way on this one, buy a ticket."
-----
"Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil, and you're a thousand miles from the corn field."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-----
A chicken walks into a bar , looks around and says to the barman "Sorry, wrong joke"
-----
A fly was buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of crap.
-----
A farmer rushed to his phone one day to report that his nearest neighbor's house was on fire. He promptly called 911 and, in the calmest voice he could muster, he reported the fire was at his neighbor's house two miles down the road. The dispatcher asked "How do we get there?" The farmer hesitated a few seconds then asked "Don't you guys have those big red trucks anymore?"
-----
A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June."
The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.
After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, "This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.
Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August."
The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Lets see what the farmer has to say about this."
A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer - only now he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!"
-----
A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "When am I going to get time to see the city?"
-----
The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfectly quiet and ladylike manner.
-----
A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two hours later, the jug was gone. He demanded an explanation from the grocer. "Simple enough," was the reply. "Jim Slocum come along with a six of hearts, an' jist nacherly took thet thar jug o' yourn."
-----
The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city. He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of the other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it was a real diamond. "If it ain't," was the answer, "I was skun out o' half a dollar."
-----
The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired: "How's that new hand o' your'n?" "Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand—he's a sore thumb."
-----
The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally, the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionable feature. He received the following reply: "We hain't had no hogs on the place since you was here last summer. Be sure to come."
-----
The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to all and sundry: "Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I haven't nothin' now."
-----
An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled and spat, and finally answered in a tone of fretful dejection: "Seems like Elmiry's failin' drefful slow. Dinged if I don't wish as how she'd git well, or somethin'."
-----
When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded her critically, and then demanded: "Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?" "Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds stripped for 'gym.'" The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted: "Who in thunder is Jim?"
-----
The grateful woman on the farm in Arkansas wrote to the vendors of the patent medicine: "Four weeks ago I was so run down that I could not spank the baby. After taking three bottles of your Elegant Elixir I am now able to thrash my husband in addition to my other housework. God bless you!"
-----
The prize bull-dog attacked a farmer, who defended himself with a pitchfork, and in doing so killed the dog. The owner was greatly distressed, and reproached the farmer. "Why didn't you use the other end of the fork," he demanded, "and just beat him off, without killing him?" "I would have," the farmer answered, "if he had come at me with the other end."
-----
Successful Poultry Farmer: "You'd be surprised what a difference these
incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every week."
Champion Dog Breeder: "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find names for
them all?"
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Neighbour: "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."
Farmer: "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was working
the last week he was here."
-----
A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business, but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has ever been tried. Condensed fertilizer—that's what it is. Enough for an acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets." "I don't doubt it, young gentleman," said the veteran of the soil. "What is more, you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket."
-----
"What this country needs is more production."
"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight trace of
irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more enthusiasm about
deliverin' the goods."
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It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground. "Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird? Will you swear to him?" "No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the man I suspect o' doing it." "That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably nettled. "What raised your suspicions?" "Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way—I see 'im on my property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im putting the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the bird committed suicide."
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Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking matters over, Brown decided to reform. After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited until four o'clock before he called him for breakfast. "Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat." "Thanks very much," said the new hand, "but I never eat anything just before going to sleep."
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The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed rather freely. In descending a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and either could not, or would not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmer spoke savagely: "Dang yer hide, git up thar—or I'll drive smack over ye!"
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The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically. His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was instructed, among other things, to write on each egg the date laid and the breed of the hen. After a month, the hired man resigned. "I can't understand," the farmer declared, surprised and pained, "why you should want to leave." "I'm through," the hired man asserted. "I've done the nastiest jobs, an' never kicked. But I draw the line on bein' secretary to a bunch o' hens."
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The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear perception and shrewd reasoning is illustrated by the dialogue between two farmers meeting on the road:
"Did you hear that old man Jones's house burned down last night?"
"I ain't a mite surprised. I was goin' past there in the evenin', an' when I saw the smoke a-comin' out all round under the eaves, I sez to myself, sez I, 'Where there's smoke there must be fire.' An' so it was!"
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At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly. "Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his wife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his first wife was buried. An' then agin fer his second. An' when Eliza died, she as was his third, he up an' axed me agin. An' now, it's the fourth time. An' ye know, a feller can't be the hull time a-takin' favors, an' not payin' 'em back."
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The raw worker was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could steal from his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined to hasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, a startled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock and scurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting: "Hi, thar! Stop! don't yez know your own father?"
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A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse—in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do." Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"
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A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to his
employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,
"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."
"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."
The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's as much
as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."
"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for all the
parritch I have."
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A pompous Scottish laird met a farmer one morning, and observed:
"Well, Sandy, you're getting very bent. Why don't you stand up straight, like
me?"
"Eh, mon," replied Sandy, "d'ye see yon field of corn?"
"I do," said the laird.
"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "ye'll notice that the full heids hang down, an' that
the empty yins stand up."
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A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed in his Sunday clothes throwing five bushels of corn on the ear into the pen where he kept half a dozen hogs, and he was heard to mutter: "Thar, blast ye! if ye're prudent, that orter last ye."
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A farmer, according to this definition, is a man who makes his money on the farm and spends it in town. An agriculturist is a man who makes his money in town and spends it on the farm.
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In certain parts of the west, where without irrigation the cultivators of the land would be in a bad way indeed, the light rains that during the growing season fall from time to time, are appreciated to a degree that is unknown in the east.
Last summer a fruit grower who owns fifty acres of orchards was rejoicing in one of these precipitations of moisture, when his hired man came into the house.
"Why don't you stay in out of the rain?" asked the fruit-man.
"I don't mind a little dew like this," said the man. "I can work along just the same."
"Oh, I'm not talking about that," exclaimed the fruit-man. "The next time it rains, you can come into the house. I want that water on the land."
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They used to have a farming rule
Of forty acres and a mule.
Results were won by later men
With forty square feet and a hen.
And nowadays success we see
With forty inches and a bee.
--_Wasp_.
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Blessed be agriculture! if one does not have too much of it.--_Charles Dudley Warner_.
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"What you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed," said the visitor.
"That goes to show," replied Farmer Corntassel, "how little you reformers understand local conditions. I've purty nigh paid off a mortgage with the money I made haulin' automobiles out o' that mud-hole."
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A farmer returning home late at night, found a man standing beside the house with a lighted lantern in his hand. "What are you doing here?" he asked, savagely, suspecting he had caught a criminal. For answer came a chuckle, and--"It's only mee, zur."
The farmer recognized John, his shepherd.
"It's you, John, is it? What on earth are you doing here this time o' night?"
Another chuckle. "I'm a-coortin' Ann, zur."
"And so you've come courting with a lantern, you fool. Why I never took a lantern when I courted your mistress."
"No, zur, you didn't, zur," John chuckled. "We can all zee you didn't, zur."
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Farmer Gray kept summer boarders. One of these, a schoolteacher, hired him to drive her to the various points of interest around the country. He pointed out this one and that, at the same time giving such items of information as he possessed.
The school-teacher, pursing her lips, remarked, "It will not be necessary for you to talk."
When her bill was presented, there was a five-dollar charge marked "Extra."
"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the item.
"That," replied the farmer, "is for sass. I don't often take it, but when I do I charge for it."
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Two men were boasting about their rich kin. Said one:
"My father has a big farm in Connecticut. It is so big that when he goes to the barn on Monday morning to milk the cows he kisses us all good-by, and he doesn't get back till the following Saturday."
"Why does it take him so long?" the other man asked.
"Because the barn is so far away from the house."
"Well, that may be a pretty big farm, but compared to my father's farm in Pennsylvania your father's farm ain't no bigger than a city lot!"
"Why, how big is your father's farm?"
"Well, it's so big that my father sends young married couples out to the barn to milk the cows, and the milk is brought back by their grandchildren."
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A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town. It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it was a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after work had been started, and seeing a man in the doorway, called to him:
"What be ye doin' in this place?"
"We are searching for a universal solvent--something that will dissolve all things," said the chemist.
"What good will thet be?"
"Imagine, sir! It will dissolve all things. If we want a solution of iron, glass, gold--anything, all that we have to do is to drop it in this solution."
"Fine," said the farmer, "fine! What be ye goin' to keep it in?"
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A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for watering his fields. The very first day while he was trying it there suddenly came a downpour of rain. He put away his machine.
"It's no use," he said; "you can't do nothing nowadays without competition."
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Irving Bacheller, it appears, was on a tramping tour through New England. He discovered a chin-bearded patriarch on a roadside rock.
"Fine corn," said Mr. Bacheller, tentatively, using a hillside filled with straggling stalks as a means of breaking the conversational ice.
"Best in Massachusetts," said the sitter.
"How do you plow that field?" asked Mr. Bacheller. "It is so very steep."
"Don't plow it," said the sitter. "When the spring thaws come, the rocks rolling down hill tear it up so that we can plant corn."
"And how do you plant it?" asked Mr. Bacheller. The sitter said that he didn't plant it, really. He stood in his back door and shot the seed in with a shotgun.
"Is that the truth?" asked Bacheller.
"H--ll no," said the sitter, disgusted. "That's conversation."
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Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John. A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited.
"Oh, Cousin John, what is that?" he asked.
"Why, that is only a cow," John replied.
"And what are those things on her head?"
"Horns," answered John.
Before they had gone far the cow mooed long and loud.
Willie was astounded. Looking back, he demanded, in a very fever of interest:
"Which horn did she blow?"
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A catalog of farming implements sent out by the manufacturer finally found its way to a distant mountain village where it was evidently welcomed with interest. The firm received a carefully written, if somewhat clumsily expressed letter from a southern "cracker" asking further particulars about one of the listed articles.
To this, in the usual course of business, was sent a type-written answer. Almost by return mail came a reply:
"You fellows need not think you are so all-fired smart, and you need not print your letters to me. I can read writing."
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There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills that surrounded the skating pond.
A farmer, cobbling his boots before his kitchen fire heard the shouts and yells, and ran to the pond at break-neck speed. He saw a large black hole in the ice, and a pale young fellow stood with chattering teeth shoulder-deep in the cold water.
The farmer laid a board on the thin ice and crawled out on it to the edge of the hole. Then, extending his hand, he said:
"Here, come over this way, and I'll lift you out."
"No, I can't swim," was the impatient reply. "Throw a rope to me. Hurry up. It's cold in here."
"I ain't got no rope," said the farmer; and he added angrily. "What if you can't swim you can wade, I guess! The water's only up to your shoulders."
"Up to my shoulders?" said the young fellow. "It's eight feet deep if it's an inch. I'm standing on the blasted fat man who broke the ice!"
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Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines.
Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi there, look out! The fire department's coming."
Turning in by the curb the farmer watched the hose cart, salvage wagon and engine whiz past. Then he turned out into the street again and drove on. Barely had he started when the hook and ladder came tearing along. The rear wheel of the big truck slewed into the farmer's buggy, smashing it to smithereens and sending the farmer sprawling into the gutter. The policeman ran to his assistance.
"Didn't I tell ye to keep out of the way?" he demanded crossly. "Didn't I tell ye the fire department was comin"?"
"Wall, consarn ye," said the peeved farmer, "I _did_ git outer the way for th' fire department. But what in tarnation was them drunken painters in sech an all-fired hurry fer?"
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"How is it, Mr. Brown," said a miller to a farmer, "that when I came to measure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I found them nearly two barrels short?"
"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your own flour-barrels."
"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a mistake. Let's imbibe."
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A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble with his horse. It would start, go slowly for a short distance, and then stop again. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty in getting it started. Finally the traveler approached and asked, solicitously:
"Is your horse sick?"
"Not as I knows of."
"Is he balky?"
"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear me, that he stops every once in a while to listen."
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Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door.
As he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled down his collar. He rapped again. Still no answer. He could feel the stream of water coursing down his back. Another spell of pounding, and finally the red head of a lad of twelve was stuck out of the second story window.
"Watcher want?" it asked.
"I want to know if I can stay here over night," the traveler answered testily.
The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before answering.
"Ye kin fer all of me," he finally answered, and then closed the window.
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A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out.
"What'll ye pay?" asked Si.
"I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer.
Si scratched his head a minute, then answered decisively:
"I'll be _durned_ if I'll work for that!"
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The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his medicine case, gave the animal some powders. The mule switched his tail, tossed his head and started on a mad gallop down the road. The farmer looked first at the flying animal and then at the doctor.
"How much did that medicine cost, Doc?" he asked.
"Oh, about fifteen cents," said the physician.
"Well, give me a quarter's worth, quick!" And he swallowed it. "I've got to catch that mule."
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"Our whole neighborhood has been stirred up," said the regular reader.
The editor of the country weekly seized his pen. "Tell me about it," he said. "What we want is news. What stirred it up?"
"Plowing," said the farmer.
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Senator Tillman not long ago piloted a plain farmer-constituent around the Capitol for a while, and then, having some work to do on the floor, conducted him to the Senate gallery.
After an hour or so the visitor approached a gallery door-keeper and said: "My name is Swate. I am a friend of Senator Tillman. He brought me here and I want to go out and look around a bit. I thought I would tell you so I can get back in."
"That's all right," said the doorkeeper, "but I may not be here when you return. In order to prevent any mistake I will give you the password so you can get your seat again."
Swate's eyes rather popped out at this. "What's the word?" he asked.
"Idiosyncrasy."
"What?"
"Idiosyncrasy."
"I guess I'll stay in," said Swate.
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An Episcopal clergyman who was passing his vacation in a remote country district met an old farmer who declared that he was a "'Piscopal."
"To what parish do you belong?" asked the clergyman.
"Don't know nawthin' 'bout enny parish," was the answer.
"Who confirmed you, then?" was the next question.
"Nobody," answered the farmer.
"Then how are you an Episcopalian?" asked the clergyman.
"Well," was the reply, "you see it's this way: Last winter I went to church, an' it was called 'Piscopal, an' I heerd them say that they left undone the things what they'd oughter done and they'd done some things what they oughtenter done, and I says to myself says I: 'That's my fix exac'ly,' and ever sence then I've been a 'Piscopalian."
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On one of the southern railroads there is a station-building that is commonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad station in America. It is of this station that the story is told that an old farmer was expecting a chicken-house to arrive there, and he sent one of his hands, a new-comer, to fetch it. Arriving there the man saw the house, loaded it on to his wagon and started for home. On the way he met a man in uniform with the words "Station Agent" on his cap.
"Say, hold on. What have you got on that wagon?" he asked.
"My chicken-house, of course," was the reply.
"Chicken-house be jiggered!" exploded the official. "That's the station!"
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A middle-aged farmer accosted a serious-faced youth outside the Grand Central Station in New York the other day.
"Young man," he said, plucking his sleeve, "I wanter go to Central Park."
The youth seemed lost in consideration for a moment.
"Well," he said finally, "you may just this once. But I don't want you ever, _ever_ to ask me again."
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FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's going to rain, ye know."
MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never heard o' such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye th' rheumatis for?"
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An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was entertaining nobility, was nearly overcome with surprise and elation.
While seated at the table scarcely a moment's peace did she grant her distinguished guest in her endeavor to serve and please him. It was "My Lord, will you have some of this?" and "My Lord, do try that," "Take a piece of this, my Lord," until the meal was nearly finished.
The little four-year-old son of the family, heretofore unnoticed, during a moment of supreme quiet saw his lordship trying to reach the pickle-dish, which was just out of his reach, and turning to his mother said:
"Say, Ma, God wants a pickle."
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Kate Douglas Wiggin was asked how she stood on the vote for women question. She replied she didn't "stand at all," and told a story about a New England farmer's wife who had no very romantic ideas about the opposite sex, and who, hurrying from churn to sink, from sink to shed, and back to the kitchen stove, was asked if she wanted to vote. "No, I certainly don't! I say if there's one little thing that the men folks can do alone, for goodness sakes let 'em do it!" she replied.
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Deacon Blank of the town of Lee, owned a large farm and hired, among other hands, a man by the name of Jacob. The deacon had bargained that Jacob should have bread and milk for supper every night, but took good care that the milk was first carefully skimmed, the cream for the cream pot, and the skim milk for Jake. Jacob ate his bread and blue milk three evenings without a murmur. The next morning the deacon was awakened by a great commotion in the barnyard. Looking out he saw Jacob hanging to his best Jersey's tail with one hand, while with the other he belabored her with a beanpole as she flew around the inclosure. "There, gol dang you,"said Jake, "don't you ever dare to give another drop of skim milk as long as you live !" And the deacon took good care that she didn't.
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An illiterate farmer wishing to enter some animals at an agricultural exhibition, wrote as follows to the secretary of the society : " Also enter me for the best jackass. I am sure of getting the prize."
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A farmer was lately asked by the minister how it was that, when he preached, the farmer always fell asleep; but when a stranger preached, he was all attention. The farmer replied, "Why, sir, when ye preaches, I know aw's right; but when a stranger comes, I canna trust him, and so I keeps a good look out."
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A country farmer told a friend of his, who had come from town for a few days' shooting, that he once had so excellent a gun that it went off immediately upon a thief coming into the house, although not charged. "How the deuce is that?" said his friend. "Why," replied the farmer, "because the thief carried it off; and, what was worse, before I had time to charge him with it."
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Farmer B- was sitting in a country church. He had been working hard in the harvest field; hands were scarce, and farmer B was dozing. The loud tones of the minister failed to arouse the farmer, until at length the good man closed the lids of the Bible, and concluded as follows: "Indeed, my hearers, the harvest is plenteous and the labourers are few." "Yes," exclaimed farmer B, "I've offered four shillings a day for reapers, and can't get them at that."
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At a concert recently, at the conclusion of the song, "There's a Good Time Coming," a country farmer got up and exclaimed, "Mister, you couldn't fix the date, could you ?"
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A farmer, in the neighbourhood of Doncaster, was thus accosted by his landlord: "John, I am going to raise your rent." John replied, "Sir, I am greatly obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself."
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A farm was lately advertised in a Yankee newspaper, in which all the beauty of the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air, were detailed in the richest glow of rural description, and which was further enhanced with this N. B.: There is not an attorney within fifteen miles of the neighbourhood.
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