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Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. "Sleep now, it's all right," he told her. But she kept trying to sit up and said, "Honey, I really need to tell you something." Finally Jake let her get it off her chest. "Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
"Don't worry about it," Jake said, "I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
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1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5
minutes.
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A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
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Male or Female?
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a
fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up --
because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are
pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see
right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but
it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be
lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push,
he keeps trying.
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O'Riley walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with another man. "What in the name of St. Paddy is going on? Who is this man?" His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question." She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"
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Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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What are Women Really Thinking?
So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Guys have feelings too, But ... who cares?
And your point is?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
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There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,500.00."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a
really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last
year..."
H-"What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I
stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked
at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden,
acre of park area, beachfront property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in
the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love u too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.
Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!"
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A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
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There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, " Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man." She said, "Listen, I m a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with the man?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
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A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of- factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school." He picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6- pack and asks, "Then who are these for? "Those are for college men," the dad answers."Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for...
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A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the Doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
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Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home." The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!" "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
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Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
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A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, eats your food, messes up your stuff, takes your money, and behaves as if you never set it free in the first place, then you either married or gave birth to it.
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep & mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back. Amen. The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.
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Secrets to a Happy Marriage from a Male Point of View:
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
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The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position". The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
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Male/Female Dictionary
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male......The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up oneself emotionally to another.
Male......Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.......Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.......Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male......Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male...... Source of entertainment, self-statement, and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.......Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.
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According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
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A woman was in bed with her lover, when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the "statue," "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
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Q: What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
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Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden
because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the
remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his
wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut
appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the
curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to
handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his
tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught
him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
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Woman: When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?
Beautician: Maybe. Does he still drink a lot?
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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John was determined to win over his lovely girl that evening. After dinner at a posh restaurant he took her for a moonlight stroll along the beach. As they stared at the moon he said: "I have loved you more than you will ever know." "So I was right," she responded, slapping him across the face. "You did take advantage of me when I was drunk last Saturday night!"
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There's a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting and think you will too. 85% of women think their ass is too big....... 10% of women think their ass is too little...... The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
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The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up." Nobody stood up. "Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up." One demure little woman stood up. "Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked, somewhat amazed. "I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman, "But I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife."
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A man walks into a bar one night, goes up to the bar, and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. "That's right." The barman replied. So the guy glanced over at the menu, and asked, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replied the bartender, "But all that comes to real money." "How much money?" "Four cents," the barman said. "Four cents?! Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replied, "Upstairs with my wife." "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender smiled. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
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A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
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For the women: 25 reasons why beer is better than men:
1. Beer makes you feel better when you have your period.
2. Beer stains don't smell funny the next day.
3. Beer goes where you want it to.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you try on
shoes at the mall.
5. Your beer never suffers performance anxiety.
6. When your beer won't get a head up, you can toss it out.
7. Beer doesn't stand there tapping its wristwatch.
8. No woman ever got stood up by a beer.
9. A beer doesn't start a fistfight with an ale.
10. Puking will rid you of that queasy feeling you get when you made the wrong
choice.
11. Beer doesn't get drunk and call you at 3am to beg.
12. You don't need a restraining order with bad beer.
13. I never met a beer with a criminal record.
14. Beer labels come off when you want them to.
15. When you go to a bar, you can pick up a beer without worrying about that
tan line on his ring finger.
16. You can pick up a beer in a bar right in front of your mom and she won't
mind.
17. Beer never has a bad temper.
18. A beer won't throw you into the back seat of a 76' Datsun and dry hump you
under a mercury vapor lamp.
19. A beer won't toss you in the passenger seat of a Mazda RX7 and show you it
can go 100MPH on a flat stretch.
20. A beer doesn't bring strange people home with it.
21. Its easy to give beer good head with minimal shaking up.
22. You don't have to worry about a gag reflex with beer.
23. You can have more than one beer in a night without feeling sore.
24. You can talk to your girlfriends about your beer without it getting
upset.
25. You have a good idea where that beer has been before you got it.
26. No one ever had to sleep in a beer spot.
27. Beer doesn't dis' you because you are a babe.
28. A beer won't shove its hand up your dress at your graduation party.
29. You don't have to fake it for a beer. Beer has no ego.
30. A cold beer is a good beer.
31. Beer tastes good.
32. Beer doesn't leave you. It snuggles around your hips for a lifetime.
33. A beer doesn't hate your cat.
34. You can get six at once without taxing yourself.
35. A beer doesn't mind if you don't finish.
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Signs and Slogans:
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
----Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey BBeach, DE.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
----Women's restroom, The Filling Statioon, Bozeman, Montana
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have
trouble with it.
----Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resortt, Dallas, Texas
Beauty is only a light switch away.
---- Perkins Library, Duke University, DDurham, North Carolina.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up
with her crap.
----Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, CChapel Hill, North Carolina
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While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Typical macho man married typical good-looking girl and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."
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Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
----- A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this late - doing what?" he said. "Getting a second opinion!"
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'"
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Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.
One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."
The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.
She says, "This is the one, right here."
The man says, "How do you know?"
Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."
The man says, "What's the nail for?"
Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
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Dear Abby: I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door . . .
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
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The Perfect Breakfast - written by a woman for women everywhere:
1. You're sitting at the table.
2. Your son is on the cover of Wheaties.
3. Your daughter is on the cover of Forbes.
4. Your boyfriend is on the cover of PlayGirl.
5. And your ex-husband is on the back of the milk carton.
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A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
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A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT. ' On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
it had never been occupied;
that there was plenty of heat;
that it was small enough to make me cozy
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!
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Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.
Element Name: WOMAN
==================
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold,silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
================
Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element:Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
* Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell
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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy... you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!"
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The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied... "Everything but my earrings."
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The moon shone silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple pulled apart long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling, am I the first man to make love to you?" Her tone, when she answered, was irritated. "Of course you are," she said. "I don't know why you men always ask the same ridiculous question."
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Natalie, a pretty but distraught model, took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time a man takes me out, I wind up in bed with him. And then afterward I feel guilty and depressed all day long." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power." "Heavens, NO!" exclaimed the model. "I want you to fix it so I don't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
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It's this fireman that reached the third story window with his ladder, and sees a beautiful young blonde in a transparent negligee. "Don't be afraid" said the fireman "We always save pregnant woman". "Sir I'll have you know I'm not pregnant". "I'll have you know you're not saved yet".
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Q: What is the difference between true love and herpes?
A: Herpes lasts forever.
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This guy is in the car and his wife is driving on the wrong side of the road, he shouts "Move over you're on the wrong side of the road". She replied "You don't have to shout like that, they can't hear you anyway".
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He'd shown her his etchings and just about everything else of interest in his apartment, and as Jack poured the last martinis into their glasses, he realized that the moment of truth with Louise had arrived. He decided on the direct verbal attack. "Tell me," he said smoothly, fingering a lock of her hair, "Do you object to making love?" She turned her lovely eyes up to his. "That's something I've never done," she said. "Never made love?" cried Jack, appalled at the waste of magnificent raw material. "No, silly," she said in soft rebuke. "Never objected".
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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
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A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him. "What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers. "Well," he says, "This isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"
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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them...
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a beer.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
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God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given:
WOMEN
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home. They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart-they know that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin. Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders...
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Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
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Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris. "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.
"Because I married his widow."
-----
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to
himself.
"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.
He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is
that keeps calling.
"Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get
that through your fat head?"
"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"
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Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who's totally free for the weekend!
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Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
1.
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4.
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10.
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This gal walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy
some arsenic.
He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with
another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband
lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."
So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having
sex with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription."
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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it.
"This is the Hoelzen diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Hoelzen."
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A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied
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A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what you think."
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An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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To prove his love for her, he swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain. She divorced him. He was never home.
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In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.
One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying.
What's the matter?" her husband asked.
She said "I can't believe you did this for me."
Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd
do anything for you."
But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.
With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the
satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."
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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer. "Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husbandwill get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for many years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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A man approaches a woman and says, "I'd really like to get into your pants." The woman replies, "No thanks, there's an ass in there already."
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Two guys are in a supermarket when their carts collide. Bob says, "I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate," says Joe. "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" asks Bob. Joe replies, "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm breasts and a magnificent backside. What does your wife look like?" "Never mind," says Bob, "let's look for yours!"
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? " "Nope.........just when it's raining."
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Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?
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FAX: To My Dear Wife,
"You will surely understand that I have certain needs that being with a 54- year old you can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight".
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table. "My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I too am very happy with you and value you as a good husband. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old.
"As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow".
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A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas." He asked her why she was going. She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free." He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch. His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?" "I'm going too!" he replied. "Why?" she asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"
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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
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A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered. The wife asked, "Are you a genie?" "Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" To which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" To which she replied, "31 years old"
The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
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Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."
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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!" The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
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Female Prayer:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
Male Prayer:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
Amen
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A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
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A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs. The sign said: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions." The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully. Then she followed the instructions to the letter:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.
She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened. The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note. It said, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady called the pet store. The man said, "I had some other complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomed him and said, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
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The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.
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