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Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
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A father was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU IDIOT -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!
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A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. After hearing the story the doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
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Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room!
Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can't see him!!
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You know you drink too much coffee when . . .
-Juan Valdez names his mule after you.
-You chew on your roommate's fingernails.
-You can jump-start your car without cables.
-You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged
in.
-You can't remember your second cup.
-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
-Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
-Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.
-You don't sweat - you percolate.
-You grind coffee beans in your mouth.
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A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral....... I'm a gynecologist."
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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came."
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Roger went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Roger said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen."
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This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you there's nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
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A man who owns a pharmacy showed up at work one day around noon. He saw a man leaning against the wall outside with a grimace on his face. The owner asked his assistant manager who the guy outside was. The assistant said, "He came in looking for cough medicine. I could not find any, so I gave him a bottle of laxative and told him to drink it all." The manager said, "You can't cure a cough with laxative!" The assistant replied, "Sure you can. Look at him, he's afraid to cough."
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Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
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The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
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A man visits his optician and says "Doctor, I'm having difficulty seeing distant objects". The optician opens the curtains and points into the sky. "What's that"? The man walks over, looks up and says "It's the Sun". The optician says "How far do you want to see"?
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A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone sked,"Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said,"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
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Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
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A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." "Uh-huh." "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . .You're simply going through the change."
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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. "You're not eating properly" the doctor replied.
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Doctor to patient: "Do you like to drink, smoke, and play around with
women?"
"Yes doctor," replied the patient.
"You should abstain, and do you like eat steaks, potatoes, etc".
"Well yes," said the patient.
"You should do it with moderation," said the doctor.
"Will I live longer" asked the patient "If I do all that?".
"No," replied the doctor "But it will seem to be longer".
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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
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A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so it's not like you're the first..."
... This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, "Of course, they probably weren't vets...."
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A woman went to visit the psychiatrist's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, this is rather embarassing" she stammered. "But I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but first I must tell you that my fee is $50 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
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The beauty sits down before the eye doctor explaining she's losing her sight. He sets up the eye chart, but she tells him she can't even see it.
"Well, he asks, "Can you count the number of diplomas on the wall?"
"No," she responds, "Too blurry."
So he unzips his fly and pulls out his pecker and asks, "Can you see this?"
"Yes," she replies, "That's your penis!"
"I knew it," says the Doc, "You're cockeyed!"
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A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital where his skin had turned
bright red, was painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony.
The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in his condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off his legs."
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A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. "Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis."
"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, you might, " the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."
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A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says "Brains for Sale."
He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says "Doctor brains $8.00 a pound" and another sign that says "Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, Truck Driver $40.00 a pound and Lawyers Brains $90.00 a pound."
So he asks the man behind the cashregister, "How come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?"
The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?"
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This old guy goes into the doctors office for his checkup..."Any Questions or problems"?, asks the doc..."well", says the ol guy, "I do have one problem..the first time I have sex with my wife I get all hot and sweat a great deal and then the second time I have sex with her I get all cold and shivers."
The Doctor tells him he will look into it for him and get back to him later.
The ol guy's wife is next to see the doctor and while she is sitting on the exam table the doctor asks..."I have a question you may help me with, it seems your husband has told me that when he makes love with you the first time he gets all hot and then on the second time he gets all cold and shivers, would you know anything about this"?
"Ahhh that ol fart", replies the wife, "The first time we make love is in July and the second time is in December"!!!
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An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid American doctors, always want to operate. Make more money, that way. No need to operate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "Don't worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money."
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A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?"
"The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within minutes."
"Oh, that's terrible," said the woman. In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.
OH my GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be justified?"
The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."
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In the middle of a gynaecologists conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various interesting cases they have recently treated.
French gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was zis woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris .......et was like a melon".
English gynaecologist : "Don't be absurd my good man, it could not possibly have been that big, the poor wooman wouldn't have been able to walk if it was".
French gynaecologist : "O la la, you eengleesh, zer you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze taste."
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An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
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Q: What do near sighted gynecologists and bunny rabbits have in common?
A: Wet noses
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Natalie, a pretty but distraught model, took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time a man takes me out, I wind up in bed with him. And then afterward I feel guilty and depressed all day long."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power."
"Heavens, NO!" exclaimed the model. "I want you to fix it so I don't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "You're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
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Q: What do the gynaecologist and the Pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
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