Main Page
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No that felt like snow to me, dear," she replied.
"No I'm sure it was just rain," he said. They were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether its officially raining or snowing."
As the man approached the husband said: "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course" he replied and walked on. But the woman insisted.
"I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
-----
A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
He gets out and tries to find something close by -- and comes upon a farm. Not believing his luck, he knocks on the door, and a farmer answers.
"Sir," says the salesman. "Could you help me? My car's broken down, and I need a place to stay for the night."
"Sure," says the farmer. "But I only have one bed, and my very, very ugly daughter sleeps there."
"Oh, dang," says the salesman. "I'm in the wrong joke."
-----
A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow me." The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. "Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect." He then hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."
-----
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.
-----
If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:
* A miss is as good as 1.1 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 454 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
-----
Two old Irish guys are talking. One asks the other what he likes to do. The other replies," My buddy and I like to get together late at night, get drunk, pee on the Blarney Stone, and watch fools come and kiss it in the morning for luck."
-----
An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opening a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and, Swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his sword. Swish!Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. No.3 samurai stepped forward, released the fly, and drew his sword. SWOOOOOOOSH! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly let out a high-pitched sound, but comtinued to fly around. "What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor."The fly isn't even dead." "Dead schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision.... that takes skill!"
-----
An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her elderly father was getting frail and very hard of hearing.
She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing diamonds and a full-length fur coat. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm--they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London these days."
The girl took his hands and said "Dad--I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. Obviously I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his chest and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.
As the priest administered the Last Rites with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing nearby, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner--killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what she's become!"
"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say PROSTITUTE ?? I thought you said PROTESTANT!!
-----
Some T-shirt slogans:
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because: Millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test: and the results were.. Negative.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I have a degree in liberal arts - Do you want fries with that?
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God
and I didn't.
-----
Question: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-----
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One stops and says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
-----
A boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint crashed into each other. Apparently the crew were marooned.
-----
Q: What is Mary short for?
A: She has no legs.
-----
Q: What does an Eskimo keep his home together with?
A: Iglue.
-----
Q: What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
A: Hop in.
-----
Walked past a man with one arm the other day and I said "Where are you going?" "I'm going to change a light bulb", he replied. "Will you be able to manage that?" I asked. "Yeh, no problem, I've got the receipt!
-----
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
-----
Q: What do you call a man who used to like tractors?
A: An extractor fan.
-----
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says they don't serve pieces of string in his bar. The piece of string leaves, goes into the alley and begins to unwind and twist himself all over. He then goes back to the bartender who says "Hey, aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?" The piece of string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
-----
25 signs you've grown up:
Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn
down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than
settle, your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy
tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink
that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply
to you!!!
-----
Signs and Slogans:
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who got in first.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-----
Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob. He is hiding marijuana
inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Billy Bob!
This here is Joe Bob, Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy."
-----
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly:
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.
2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
-----
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
-----