"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No that felt like snow to me, dear," she replied.
"No I'm sure it was just rain," he said. They were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether its officially raining or snowing."
As the man approached the husband said: "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course" he replied and walked on. But the woman insisted.
"I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
-----
A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
He gets out and tries to find something close by -- and comes upon a farm. Not believing his luck, he knocks on the door, and a farmer answers.
"Sir," says the salesman. "Could you help me? My car's broken down, and I need a place to stay for the night."
"Sure," says the farmer. "But I only have one bed, and my very, very ugly daughter sleeps there."
"Oh, dang," says the salesman. "I'm in the wrong joke."
-----
A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow me." The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. "Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect." He then hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."
-----
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.
-----
If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:
* A miss is as good as 1.1 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 454 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
-----
Two old Irish guys are talking. One asks the other what he likes to do. The other replies," My buddy and I like to get together late at night, get drunk, pee on the Blarney Stone, and watch fools come and kiss it in the morning for luck."
-----
An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opening a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his sword and, Swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his sword. Swish!Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. No.3 samurai stepped forward, released the fly, and drew his sword. SWOOOOOOOSH! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly let out a high-pitched sound, but comtinued to fly around. "What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor."The fly isn't even dead." "Dead schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision.... that takes skill!"
-----
An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her elderly father was getting frail and very hard of hearing.
She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing diamonds and a full-length fur coat. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm--they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London these days."
The girl took his hands and said "Dad--I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. Obviously I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his chest and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.
As the priest administered the Last Rites with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing nearby, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner--killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what she's become!"
"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say PROSTITUTE ?? I thought you said PROTESTANT!!
-----
Some T-shirt slogans:
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because: Millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test: and the results were.. Negative.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I have a degree in liberal arts - Do you want fries with that?
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God
and I didn't.
-----
Question: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-----
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One stops and says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
-----
A boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint crashed into each other. Apparently the crew were marooned.
-----
Q: What is Mary short for?
A: She has no legs.
-----
Q: What does an Eskimo keep his home together with?
A: Iglue.
-----
Q: What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
A: Hop in.
-----
Walked past a man with one arm the other day and I said "Where are you going?" "I'm going to change a light bulb", he replied. "Will you be able to manage that?" I asked. "Yeh, no problem, I've got the receipt!
-----
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
-----
Q: What do you call a man who used to like tractors?
A: An extractor fan.
-----
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says they don't serve pieces of string in his bar. The piece of string leaves, goes into the alley and begins to unwind and twist himself all over. He then goes back to the bartender who says "Hey, aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?" The piece of string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
-----
25 signs you've grown up:
Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn
down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than
settle, your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy
tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink
that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply
to you!!!
-----
Signs and Slogans:
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The things that come to those that wait are the things left by those who got in first.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-----
Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob. He is hiding marijuana
inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Billy Bob!
This here is Joe Bob, Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy."
-----
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly:
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.
2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
-----
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
-----
What's gray, crispy and hangs from the ceiling?
An Amateur Electrician
-----
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
-----
Here's some Summer Camp suggestions:
10. Tommy Lee's---------- Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit's--------- Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's-------- Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Star's---------- Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's------- Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's---------- Camp Killawifee
4. Michael Jackson's------ Camp Wannabewhitey
3. President Clinton's------Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneres's------ Camp Lickacoochie
1. Monica Lewinsky's----- Camp Suckapeepee
-----
There was a mortician and his assistant. One day the assistant comes in looking worried and says to the mortician, "You know that pretty girl that came in today? Well she has a prawn up her pussy!"
The mortician replies "A PRAWN!? Lets go have a look." After inspecting the girl the mortician chuckles and says that the deceased just has a large clit.
To this the assistant says "Well...it tasted tike a prawn."
-----
You know you drink too much coffee when . . .
-Juan Valdez names his mule after you.
-You chew on your roommate's fingernails.
-You can jump-start your car without cables.
-You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
-You can't remember your second cup.
-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
-Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
-Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.
-You don't sweat - you percolate.
-You grind coffee beans in your mouth.
-----
WHERE I HAVE & HAVE NOT BEEN
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there ---- thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much for physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. It is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the Adrenalin flowing, and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
-----
Some observations:
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
-----
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"
-----
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Texas Style".
The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth, and finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"
The first one that makes it back to Dallas alive, wins.
-----
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
-----
Signs and Slogans:
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
----Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
----Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
----Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas
Beauty is only a light switch away.
---- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
----Revolution Books, New York, New York
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
----The Irish Times, Washington, DC
Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light.
----The Janitor
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
----Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
----Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
----Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
No wonder you always go home alone.
----Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
-----
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
-----
Ever Wonder:
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
-----
Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Most local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.
Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
-----
Once upon a time, Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie." "You haff a genie?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.
"Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie.
Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks. And the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard! Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
-----
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will." said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
-----
Two men were looking in a shop window, one points at a pair of trousers and says, "That's the one I'd get." At which point a Cyclops walks round the corner and kicks his head in.
-----
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China. They decided to become
American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu - called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
and Fu had to go back to China.
-----
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his arse.
-----
