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1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
5. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY!
If you must choose between two evils, choose the one you've never tried before.
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And then you die. What's that? A bonus? I think the life- cycle is all backwards.
You should die first and get it all over with.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young.
You get a gold watch.
You go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol and party.
You get ready for high school.
You go to grade school and become a kid.
You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby & go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating...
Then, you finish off as an orgasm...
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Can someone tell me:
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Subject: Nineteen Things That Took Me Fifty Years to Learn
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a
person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle...
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who
perceives a solution and is willing to take command...Very often, that
individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody giving a clear and compelling reason why we
observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
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I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." Such simple advice. So, I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. Today I finished one bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a box of chocolates and a half gallon of rocky road ice-cream. You have no idea how good I feel.
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No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.
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